Critically-acclaimed Scottish writer Rodge Glass took part in a writers’ exchange with Denmark. While in Copenhagen, the author was inspired to write ‘An Open Letter to Denmark,’ reflecting on his experience of Danish culture.

What Have I Learned?

Notes for a Report Concerning the Success, Failure or Otherwise of an Exchange between two Danish writers (Carsten Rene Nielsen and Lars Frost), one True Scot (Anne Donovan) and one Adopted (Rodge Glass).

Written by Adopted Scot, Begun while Sitting Under a Tree in front of a Performing Orchestra in Tivoli Gardens, Copenhagen. Needing the toilet. Though not Desperately.

Dear Denmark,

I do not notice much abroad, or, come to think of it, at home, but I have learned some details I would like to put to paper about my visit here to illustrate my educational curve. I hope I have captured the essence of your grand and noble capital city.  

What follows are 10 minor details – rules, if you will – for tourist survival in Copenhagen: I only hope this will help those who take part in future exchanges:

1. DO NOT say Kartoffel Testiket in public. It means ‘potato testicle’ and may embarrass the locals
   
   
2. DO NOT listen to loud music on a personal stereo when the Tivoli orchestra is playing. The violinists get upset. They begin to play louder and stick their tongues out at you when the conductor is not looking.
   
   
3. ALWAYS drink schnapps when you are offered it, even before noon. It is a national delicacy, a whisky enjoyed with herring and rye bread over lunch.
   
   
4. NEVER drink schnapps when you are offered it. This is Danish poison, designed to kill tourists.
   
   
5. DO be polite at all times, no matter how confused you are by the impenetrable language. If the locals like you, they will buy you beer and speak in English. If you are rude, they will switch to Danish, being pointing, laughing, and you will have to buy your own drinks. Possibly theirs too.
   
   (At this point, an elderly American leaves a bench on the second row. Author snaffles the seat before anyone else can, without considering how close it is to previously mentioned irritable violinists. This tune sounds like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. A particularly violent one. Where Tom gets his face flattened by a frying pan.)
   
   
6. AS NOTICED BY REAL LIVE SCOT, ANNE DONOVAN: There are great similarities between the Scots and Danish languages: hoose and noo being two good examples. Use these expressions where possible, though don’t expect to survive entirely on them, especially in cafés and restaurants. Waiters may ignore you.
   
   
7. DO remember to celebrate and insult Danish literature in equal measure when asked your opinion. It is what the Danes do, and is a sign of a mature nation at ease with itself.
   
   
8. DO listen to everything the hardcore Danish poet Carsten Rene Nielsen says about how to behave. He is the fountain of all truth and following him will surely send you to heaven.
   
   
9. DO NOT listen to anything the Crown Prince of Danish Literature, Lars Frost, says. He is a friendly species, and excellent company when awake, but what he says is almost exclusively lies. Following him will surely send you to hell.
   
   …and most of all,
   
   
10. Wherever you go, it is crucially important to apologise for the British bombing Copenhagen in 1807. Also, say you are pleased the Round Tower survived the onslaught. Once forgiven, you can safely joke about how the Danes shouldn’t have supported Napoleon anyway. This is a good way of bonding.
    
    (Genuine Scots may claim independence of the Empire but this will not wash with knowledgeable Danes who know enthusiastic Scots soldiers have always been represented in the Queen’s army.)

So Denmark, I hope you feel the plane ticket and funding well spent, and that I have fully understood your culture.

I will soon go back to Scotland to spread the word. But first I must leave this poor orchestral rendition of the 1812 Overture and visit that great Danish landmark, The ORIGINAL Hard Rock Café.

Lars assures me it was built in ‘days of yore’ and went on to inspire a style of music now known worldwide as ‘Hard Rock’.

Yours truly,

Rodge Glass

The writers’ exchange was supported by:

			Scottish Poetry Library
			Scottish Book Trust
			British Council Denmark
			Scottish Arts Council.

For more information on how we support the arts in Scotland contact art.scotland@britishcouncil.org or telephone +44 (0)131 524 5714.