My beloved grandfather
by TANG W.K.

I saw an old man walking slowly,
Not tall, but surely strong,
I felt a scent of the ocean,
I saw a calm, warm face,
With an invisible smile lying.
“Are you listening to your parents,’
A rough and strong voice sounded.
“Yes,” I whispered,
With great fear and respect.
“You should work harder, son”
He coughed.
This was the last dinner with him.

As days and night went past,
He was in hospital,
His strong and rough voice never sounded again,
A weak and soft sound took place.
His face grew as pale as paper,
His eyes closed like doors,
His scent from the ocean went,
It was a stab in my heart.

“A person cannot change what will happen,”
His voice trembling,
My tears streaming down,
“But he can change how he acts.”
His last breath was taken as he finished the last word,
His eyes never opened again.

I saw the bright sky,
I remembered the lessons,
The ones my grandfather taught,
I smiled, and the sky replied me with a calm, warm face.

Comments from Simon Overton

This is a beautiful modern poem, W.K., and generally it doesn't need many changes, so I'm going to focus on one topic: adjectives! You have lots of great adjectives in your poem, but there are some rules to follow when putting two or more together.

Firstly, when describing a sound "weak" and "soft" have almost exactly the same meaning, so I think they sound strange together. Choose one or the other. As the poem is about a dying person, "weak" is probably best.

Secondly, watch out for using "and" or a comma between your adjectives. When adjectives add to each other, such as "strong" and "rough", they often sound better with a comma: "his strong, rough voice", but only if they come before a noun (here, "voice") – it would sound very strange to say: 'His voice was strong, rough.'

Lastly, the order of adjectives. For me, "strong" should come before "rough" because it is our opinion that his voice is 'strong', and it's also something that can change – later he might have a 'faltering, rough voice'. For the same reason, I also feel that "warm" sounds better before "calm", although that's just my preference. Whatever you choose, use the same order both times in your poem – "warm" and "calm" are consistent, but "strong" and "rough" are not!

Writing Tips from Simon Overton

W.K. has written a modern poem, which means it isn't limited by patterns of rhyme or rhythm, and it looks more like a story than a conventional poem. It does have some patterns, however, which give it a special quality. It has very short simple lines, often starting "I saw...", "I felt...", "I remembered..." or "His face...", "His eyes...", "His voice...", and so the longer lines have more impact, such as: "His last breath was taken as he finished the last word". Use different sentence lengths – in poems as well as stories and articles – to keep your writing interesting and effective.

It also has a lot that is deliberately unclear: Where is the old man walking? Why does he give that advice in particular? Is it his face in the sky, or the sky's face? In a poem, it's not necessary to explain everything – it is enough to simply create images for others to think about. Don't try to explain everything in a poem – give your reader enough space to add their own understanding and meaning.