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Assertiveness is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others.
Here are three well-known techniques of asserting yourself. The first is perhaps a useful preparation!
1. Authentic compliments
One of the nicest things we can give to others is a positive comment. When we give authentic compliments to others, we help others feel better about themselves. Even if the favour was done two weeks ago and you still haven’t said anything, it’s not too late to thank that person.
Dale Carnegie’s ancient but still relevant book How to Win Friends and Influence People outlines some key aspects:
- Make the other person feel important.
- Give others authority over a part of a larger project and help them understand their contribution. They’ll become more committed to the success of the project.
- Be sincere and avoid flattery.
- Use names whenever possible. People love hearing their names, it’s a favourite word. Remember someone’s name and a few personal details.
- Smile
2. Taking out thorns
Sometimes we can cause hostile reactions from people by the way we treat them. They can become difficult people in response to something we’ve done, e.g. keeping people waiting unnecessarily on the phone, forgetting regular clients’ names, not responding to e-mails, forgetting to say “thank you”.
When we are the recipient of rude behaviour, how do we react? Do we hold on to it and tell it to anybody who will listen? Or do we throw it away? We have the choice to either accept or reject the dampener that’s thrown at us.
When somebody puts a thorn in your flesh, do you sit around demanding to know when they are going to come back and take it out when you can pull it out yourself? – Old Chinese saying
3. Managing manipulators
People use ‘put-downers’ when they give a compliment followed immediately by something negative, e.g. “You’re actually smarter than you look”. Or, people use obvious put-downs that are meant to hurt, e.g. “You’re not very good at this type of thing, are you?”
When dealing with these manipulators, it’s important to neutralise your feelings. One way of doing this is by using this technique:
- After receiving the put-down, reflect your understanding of the situation.
- Acknowledge it.
- Assert yourself.
- Ask an open question / Offer an alternative.
Example:
Customer: You’re not very good at doing this, are you? Looks like you haven’t been in the job long.
You: 1. You think I don’t know what I’m doing?
Customer: Well, it’s taking you an awfully long time to carry out this simple transaction.
You: 2. I can understand why you say that, Mr Lee – it does seem like a long time for a routine banking transaction. 3. We have tight procedures that we all need to follow to ensure the safety of our customers’ financial details. It will take me another 5 minutes to complete this. 4. Would you like to wait here or would you prefer to phone me later to know the result?
Customer: No, if it’s only going to be another 5 minutes I might as well wait.
Guy Perring is Director, Professional Development Unit (PDU), at the British Council Malaysia. The PDU offers a wide range of learning opportunities from management and communication skills training to developing English skills. Visit it at www.britishcouncil.org.my or e-mail guy.perring@britishcouncil.org.my.
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